It really does help to remember and include your Loved One, despite thinking, ‘I just want to take a pill and sleep through them!’  Survivors of loss may also tell me that, at the very least, they want to run away – as in going on vacation to a place far away and different, where it won’t be familiar.  Or survivors want to hide – as in staying home, away from any family gathering, pretending “this is just any day.”  What all three ‘solutions’ have in common is the desire to avoid thoughts, actions or emotions that could bring their Beloved to the center of their world: up-close-and-personal, so to speak.  Believing that avoidance is their only option, bereaved often stay as disengaged as possible from a memory of any person, place or thing that threatens to overpower them with sadness and pain.

But a far superior solution to surviving the holidays involves embracing one’s Beloved as opposed to disengaging. And all that is required is one simple act of outwardly remembering your beloved, surrounded by others who also love and miss them, especially on this day.  What do I mean when I say ‘outwardly remembering’ your Beloved?  Let me give you a few examples that clients have shared with me about their Simple Act of Remembering.

A family member requests that each person attending its holiday gathering bring a fresh flower along with a brief written ‘remembrance memory.’  The flowers create a lovely bouquet – a picture is often beside the vase – and the remembrances fill a bowl that can either be read aloud and shared with others, or read privately by family and friends as the day progresses.  Either way, their Beloved is a part of the holiday gathering instead of a disengaged, isolated imprint everyone pretends to ignore, like the elephant in the front room no one sees or acknowledges!

Some families prefer to make a toast to – or have a moment of silence in honor of – their Beloved while gathered around the family table.  Others have read a favorite poem or scripture.  Some choose to set a place at the table for their Beloved, or have a ritual moment when that special seat is delegated to a next-of-kin.

All of these examples are a one time act that occurs only when the family gathers all together for their first holiday season without their Beloved.  Please note, this may not be the first holiday without their Beloved, but instead, it can be the first gathering of the family for the holiday season since the death.  Why?  Because some families avoid gathering together on the first holiday simply because it is so difficult.

Now, my reader, what do you think is the biggest objection I hear to any one of these ideas? You got it….’That’s gonna make me cry in front of the others and I can’t do that!’  And my reply is as follows.

“So what if you cry, that will just help the others cry too which will flatten the ‘elephant in the front room.”  Namely, that everyone else is also on the verge of tears because this day is terribly painful!  Pretending otherwise just separates and isolates us behind ‘happy face masks.‘  Our pain is trapped inside.  The emotional support from those who love us and are similarly hurting is unavailable to us.  And on the very day we need it the most!  All because we choose to pretend behind our fake happy faces.

One last thought I also pass on to clients afraid to cry in front of others gathered for the holiday: have a big ol’ cry, a true emotional meltdown a day or two before the gathering!  When we empty our ‘emotional bucket,‘ as I call it, there is no emotional backlog, so to speak.  Later, when we feel those emotions swell up during the shared Act of Remembrance, we can easily swallow or swipe away that errant tear and stay in control. Why?  Because we have indeed emptied our emotions prior to this big day and so can control them, but in a totally healthy way!  This strategy works every single time it is tried.