Most teenagers disdain crying, though some will cop to using tears to get their own way when possible. Even more than adults, teens fight for control because to genuinely ‘lose it’ feels child-like and they hate being viewed as younger than their age! If you doubt me on this, just compliment a teen for looking older and see their reaction. While crying – a little or a lot – is not a welcome choice for teens, talking openly about what’s bothering them, – what may be causing ‘their tude’ that’s so apparent – is generally not an option either. In short, teens not only silence their emotions and avoid tearing-up, they also silence their truth voice.
Furthermore, teens also go to great lengths to ‘belong.’ By this I mean, they are most industrious in becoming part of their peer ‘herd,’ as I like to call it. Matching their looks, behavior and social standing to others as much as possible helps teens blend in with peers. And this makes acceptance by their peers more likely. Belonging is very important to self-esteem and self-worth. Generally, teenagers need to belong to their peer herd for their self-worth to be strong. And any parent whose teenager is not a member readily gets this!
All of this comes directly into play when a family member dies because our teen is now conspicuous, has involuntarily stepped away from their peer herd. Fewer teenagers have lost a family member from death than, say, divorce or imprisonment or parent abandonment. Loss by death is more novel, harder for most teens to relate to, and often causes a conspicuousness that fosters a perception by peers that ‘you’re now different from us.’
Teen clients vaguely describe the above as feeling awkward around peers, like they’re in some ‘spot-light’ now since the death What could be the ‘why’ behind this mutual awkwardness amongst peers? These are my thoughts.
While the impact of death is overwhelming for both adults and teens, I’ve found teens specifically, really wanting to escape this feeling of being different – and in some cases being more different – from peers. Side-stepping their emotions, silencing their truth voice with ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I’m fine’ responses and dismissive shrugs to probing inquiries, are all designed unwittingly to regain their ‘belonging’ herd membership and douse that conspicuous spot-light. That’s why resuming familiar routines and activities is so necessary for teenagers.
Returning to school and resuming other peer activities is a must-do because it feigns normalcy, helping teens act as if ‘nothing is wrong, nothing here is different, guys.’ What looks like indifference – from others’ perspectives – is merely regaining stability and their emotional equilibrium from the security afforded by normal routines. Many adults do the same in times of crisis. But such a ‘fix’ – which keeps survivors v-e-r-y busy and avoids talks about their situation – postpones grieving for months and sometimes for years, especially with teens who loath crying. Alcohol or drug use, acting-out – as in more rebelliousness – are additional ‘fixes’ that often diverts adult attention away from the underlying core cause, unexpressed grief.
Guilt can also complicate one’s ability to openly voice feelings, and again, teens are more prone to guilt. Why? Adolescence is commonly fraught with parent-teen conflict; that’s part of its essence. But death has removed the one ingredient necessary to eventually heal the wounds created by these scrimmages and battles: time. When time is stolen by death, teens cannot fix the ill-will created prior to the death thus causing guilt to follow close behind. And nothing silences grieving like guilt! [See blog ‘Parent Guilt”].
Most of us can tolerate sadness better than guilt. Yes, sadness hurts like hell but guilt brings shame – and shame silences us. Takes away our voice. Guilt means teens can’t bring healing to their mind, body and spirit. Teens inability to voice their emotions and talk about their sadness leaves them silent, impacting their lives for possibly years.