Survivors of loss often confess to me of thinking, “I just want to take a pill and sleep through them!” or they tell me that, at the very least, they want to run away – as in going on vacation to a place far away and different, where it won’t trigger familiar. Others simply pretend , “this is just any day,” staying home hiding, so to speak, far away from any family gathering.
What all three of these ‘solutions’ have in common is the desire to avoid thoughts, actions or emotions that could bring their Beloved to the center of their world: up-close-and-personal. Believing that avoidance is their only option, bereaved often stay as disengaged as possible from a memory of any person, place or thing that will remind them of their Beloved, overwhelming them with sadness and pain. I understand this choice because I too used avoidance, masterfully, to survive my first holiday – and a lot of other Firsts – without my Beloved Dad!
But I’ve subsequently learned that a far superior solution to surviving the holidays: embracing our Beloved as opposed to disengaging. And all that is required is one simple act of outwardly remembering our beloved, surrounded by others who also love and miss him or her, especially on this dreaded day.
What do I mean when I say ‘outwardly remembering’ our Beloved? Let me give you a few examples that clients, over the years, have shared with me about their Simple Act of Remembering.
One client asked that each person attending the family holiday gathering bring a fresh flower along with a brief written ‘remembrance memory.’ The flowers create a lovely bouquet and the written remembrances filled a bowl. My client had family members either read aloud and share with others their fond memory or, if preferred, they could be read privately by family and friends as the day progressed. Either way, their Beloved was a part of the gathering instead of a disengaged, isolated imprint everyone pretends, like the elephant in the front room, to ignore: no one seeing or acknowledging it! I loved this story when I heard it!!
Other families preferred to make a toast to – or have a moment of silence in honor of – their Beloved while gathered around the family table. Some read a favorite poem or scripture. Others choose to set a place at the table for their Beloved and then have a”ritual moment” when that special seat was transferred or delegated to a next-of-kin.
These examples are a one time act that occurs only when the family, all together, gathers for their first holiday season without their Beloved. Please note, this may not be the first holiday without their Beloved, but instead, it is the first holiday season that the family has gathered since the death. Why? Because some families avoid gathering together on the first holiday simply because it is so difficult.
Now, my reader, what do you think is the biggest objection I hear to any one of these ideas? You got it….”That’s gonna make me cry in front of others and I can’t do that!” And my reply? “So what if you cry, that will just help the others cry too and will remove the elephant in the front room!“
Because this day is so terribly painful, everyone is on the verge of tears! Pretending otherwise just separates and isolates us behind ‘happy face masks,’ trapped behind it with our pain!. The emotional support from those who love us and are similarly hurting is unavailable to us. And on the very day we need it the most! All because we choose to pretend behind our fake happy faces.
One last thought that I also pass on to clients unwilling to cry in front of others: have a big ol’ cry, a true emotional meltdown, a day or two before the gathering!
When we empty our ‘emotional bucket,‘ as I call it, there is no emotional backlog, so to speak. Later, when we feel those emotions swell up during the shared Act of Remembrance, we can easily swallow or swipe away that errant tear and stay in control. Why? Because we have indeed emptied our emotions prior to this big day and so can control them, but in a totally healthy way! This strategy works every single time it’s tried.