Clients often ask me this question, or some variant of it, trying to ‘normalize’ their efforts to avoid anything that triggers feelings of loss for their Beloved.  These triggers become a client’s avoidance list, as I call it, which defines the very essence, or its absence, of grief work.  Below is a sampling of my ‘favorite’ questions and statements by clients, along with my responses.  Maybe you will recognize yourself in one of the below…

‘Why do I have to talk about something that brings up so much pain?  It’s not like I’ve forgotten, I’d just rather not talk about it.’  Conversations and questions that lead survivors back into the murky waters of past pain-filled imprints, is not the necessary grief work many want to undertake.

‘I refuse to give in to tears, what’s the point? Nothing’s gonna bring back my beloved. So I do whatever I can to shut off the water faucet of tears.  It just makes me a mess for too long!’  Mental chatter.  Not grief work.

‘I keep the door to my child’s bedroom closed. It’s easier that way.’ OR ‘I stay out of certain areas in the house that have too many memories of my beloved and me.’ OR ‘I have a closet full of clothes and drawers filled with stuff that I won’t touch….too tough to face.’  Large and small [especially small] areas in one’s home where things are frozen in time, or mummified – as their beloved last left it, often called a shrine – is avoiding one’s grief work.

‘When I laugh or experience a moment of joy, even for a split second, that lapse from feeling the pain makes me feel so guilty, like I’ve forgotten my beloved. How can I be so shallow?’  Such Survivor Guilt is one of the greatest challenges to finishing one’s grief work.

‘It became easier once I found other routes to avoid driving by the…’ [insert here such places as, cemetery, neighborhood, site of the accident, hospital or work site]. OR ‘There are certain restaurants, certain foods, my beloved and I enjoyed. Can’t bring myself to go there again. What’s the point in stirring up that pain?’  Re-visiting pain-filled memories from people, places and things, is never an option for survivors avoiding their grief work.

‘Returning to activities I once shared with my beloved, like watching TV or chores like playing in the dirt – something we’ve always enjoyed – is hard for me now that my beloved’s passed.  I don’t understand.’  The first time an activity is resumed, a jolt of realization occurs – ‘haven’t done this since the death!’ – creating a BEFORE vs. AFTER in the timeline of one’s life.  It’s simply easier to instead avoid creating such an emotional distinction, for as long as possible, in one’s timeline.

‘I change the channel on the radio when a song comes on that brings up a painful reminder of what I’ve lost.’ OR ‘There are some TV programs that I just can’t watch, too reminiscent of stuff I don’t want to think about.’  Avoiding songs and TV programs that challenge the false narrative that the daily fabric of one’s life is still intact, is not grief work.

‘Busy, busy, busy.  My schedule is crazy but I kinda like it that way.  Keeps painful memories from blind-sighting me.’ [See Leslie’s Blog, ‘Talk About IT, No Way! October, 2020].  Mental Chatter like this, with its seeming ‘logic,’ is very adept at helping survivors avoid, postpone, distract and discredit natural responses to devastating loss.   Instead, a push is needed to do one’s grief work.

Grief counseling provides not only that needed push, but it also provides the necessary support and understanding to finish it.  Without finishing one’s grief work, there is no healthy healing….Period.