More than any other grieving adults I‘ve helped over the years, I firmly believe that parents are the greatest victims of guilt because of this over-powering belief that they are responsible for their child’s death. This is their logic: as parents, it is their responsibility to nurture, guide, and protect their helpless gifts from inception to emancipation. Therefore grieving parents conclude – to which, I quickly add, is NOT a fact! – that if something happens on ’our watch,’ then ‘we are responsible.’ Next comes suffocating guilt in parents’ tortured minds as this feeling distorts the real facts!
But doesn’t logic also dictate that we’re responsible only for what can be controlled? After all, if we can’t control something – like an accident, an illness, a lone gunman or the free will of an adult child – then how can we be the cause of any consequences, namely, the loss of a precious life?
But grieving parents usual response to this logic goes something like this: “I should have been able to foresee what was coming, foresee the consequence…” Yet, in every set of circumstances I can recall from distressed, guilt-ridden parents, – and I’ve heard a lot over the years with half my practice being parents! – this crystal ball notion is imagined and not grounded in actual facts. Which is why I’ve adopted the simple truth, feelings aren’t facts. Parents are indeed masters of second guessing themselves; masters of “Monday Morning Quarterbacking” – or hindsight – that deflects logic. Which is why arguing with parents is not recommended!
Filled with emotions that they should have been in control or should have been able to foresee an outcomes, guilt envelopes and consumes parents. ‘Should have been’ guilt clings to grieving parents like dust to a wet cloth!
Most guilt is groundless. Generally speaking, guilt is not a logical response to circumstances that can neither be controlled or are unforeseeable. Since guilt, however, is a feeling, not a fact, grieving parents are especially easy targets, engulfing and almost burying themselves in it.
This intensity can cause parents – and others similarly feeling guilty – to become mute, so unwilling are they to speak aloud of their assumed ‘neglect’ and resulting shame. After all, shame is too unspeakable to put it on the table, so to speak, for others to see and probably judge as we’ve too judged ourselves. Therefore silence is how we protect ourselves, refusing to talk about IT, leaving enormous emotional damage in its wake! [See October, 2020 Blog: ‘Talk About IT? No Way!’ ].
So I return to my familiar refrain that it is only by giving our guilt a voice that we can heal ourselves in a healthy manner. Our belief in our culpability survives and thrives – like weeds in a neglected yard – if we don’t talk, then talk some more and then re-visit our guilt, yet again. I know this works because I’ve done this repeatedly with a lot of clients: parents and many other bereaved with losses of every kind and unique shape!
Take on the challenge of healthy healing, instead of becoming emotionally handicapped. Get help now. Call me.