Losing a Dear Companion – Our Family Pet :
Similarities in Grief Reactions from Pets & People’s Deaths

Since last writing, I’ve had several clients and friends lose their family pets, namely Rock, Moses, Tucker, & Hank, all dogs. Back in the day I recall that pets had names like Lassie, Rinn-Tin-Tin or Baboo. But over the years our pets – our dogs especially, who have become more than guard or bird dogs, [their original purpose] – have become our companions and buddies providing emotional support and companionship.  Now, as true members of the family, their names reflect the evolved place in our family: beside that of our children.

Talking with my recently bereaved friends & clients about their pets’ death, a uniform theme emerged, namely, how their dog was by their side thru the good times but especially thru the hardship times – times of darkness from sobering reality caused by divorce, death and difficult life transitions.  Their family pet was a constant thread of continuity, a source of unconditional love and affection that turned sadness into laughter, eased the loneliness and provided a ‘listening ear’ to anything that needed saying.  Emotional support of this kind cannot always be gotten from family members or even good friends!

It is therefore not surprising to me that the death of these four-legged companions caused a lot of emotional grief reactions more similar than dissimilar to the loss of a Beloved.  For example, because their family pet’s death was expected – due to a long illness – the family spent quality time that allowed satisfying goodbyes to be said by words & deeds.  Afterwards, family had less or no regret as a result.  Also mentioned was a reluctance to return home, the first time, to a house now empty and devoid of their beloved’s presence.  And, having to eventually remove their pet‘s ‘stuff ’ from the home that felt like their companion was being swept into the forgotten past.  Several talked of re-visiting the choices made along the way, second guessing themselves until what had to be, was again reclaimed and regret set aside.  These reactions and emotions are just a sampling of the similarities between losing anyone or anything to whom we are deeply attached!  Experiencing grief is a result of these losses and I was again reminded of this fact over the past month.

As I was also reminded of my past years as an instructor for graduate students in college taking my Grief & Loss Course, and that none of them initially believed that they’d experienced grief in their lives, to date, because none had lost a Beloved to death.  But by the course’s conclusion, all realized that their first loss, with its accompanying grief, came in their childhood with the death of their pet, a divorce or a move that had proved difficult.  This realization, repeated by students over several years of teaching, played a large role in my evolving definition of loss from more than just the death of a family member and/or a beloved friend [See Loss From Life Transitions].

One interesting difference bears noting, however.  Clients and friends told me that they were able to more readily access their emotional reactions to their pet’s loss than was true for past deaths.  Speculating, this could be because the pain is more ‘bearable’ with a family pet and therefore more easily expressed.  Or, maybe it’s because there has been a previous significant loss that has provided an emotional road map [See Teen Counseling] for releasing feelings sooner rather than later.

Both are true statements, I believe, but what do you think? What is the reason for this ready access to grief after a pet’s death when compared to accessing one’s grief from the loss of a family member or a beloved friend?