Teens Unique Reactions to the
Death of a Family Member
When a family member dies, teens often avoid their feelings by side-stepping probing inquiries into how they’re doing. With replies like ‘I don’t know’ followed by a shrug, teens diminish the risk of their emotions surfacing and causing them to become tearful. Generally speaking, teenagers disdain crying, though some will admit to using tears to get their way. Even more than adults, teens fight for control because to genuinely ‘lose it’ feels child-like and they hate being viewed by others as younger than they really are. If you doubt this, just do the opposite with your teenager, compliment them on seeming older than they actually are and see their welcome response! So if crying, a little or a lot, is not a choice for teens – just something that happens against their will – then talking openly is generally not an option either.
Teenagers also go to great efforts to ‘belong’ – to be a part of their peer ‘herd,’ as I like to call it – and therefore match their looks, behavior and social standing to others as much as possible. Belonging helps teens feel accepted and acceptable in their own eyes and is an important part of their self-esteem and self-worth. All of this comes into play when a family member dies because our teen is now conspicuous, has involuntarily stepped away from their peer herd, so to speak. Much fewer teenagers have lost a family member from death, than say divorce, so this is a novel, harder to relate to, event for most teen’s peers. Hence the feeling of conspicuousness that fosters the dreaded ‘you’re different from us’ perception.
While few teens are able to identify, much less put into words, this subtle shift in their peer relationships, some teen clients have shared with me aspects of it. Example: a new feeling of mutual awkwardness with peers as a result of this new ‘spot-light’ reality. Thinking about the ‘why’ behind this feeling of awkwardness shared by teens, it’s a fair assumption that most teens have rarely dealt with a death that is up-close-and-personal – except maybe grandparents or, less likely, a close peer. I’m extrapolating here from my 30 years of experience in suggesting that it is this rarity of experience with death that causes a majority of teenagers to feel awkwardness with one another when death touches one or both of their loves. While its impact is overwhelming for both adults and teens, I’ve found teens to also be frightened, again I believe, because of the unusualness of this loss. Wanting to escape all of these emotions created by this death, including the ‘you’re different from us’ perception, can lead teenagers to use ‘quick fixes’ in order to regain their ‘belonging’ herd membership. That is why resuming familiar routines and activities is so necessary for teens facing loss.
Returning to school and other teen-peer activities is a must-do because it feigns normalcy, helping teens act as if ‘nothing is wrong, nothing is different here guys,’ and hopefully turns-off that unwanted spot-light too. What looks like indifference – from others’ perspective – is merely regaining stability and their emotional equilibrium from the security afforded by ‘normal routines.’ Many of us do the same in times of crisis. But as a result of this ‘fix’- which keeps survivors v-e-r-y busy and unavailable for talks about their situation – grieving is postponed, usually for months and sometimes for years [See Teen Counseling]. And as these fixes are less effective in numbing their pain – which is inevitable – some teenagers may turn to other quick fixes like alcohol or drugs. Even acting-out, as in more rebelliousness, can be a fix if it diverts adult attention from the underlying cause.
The emotions of regret and its more intense companion, guilt can additionally complicate grief and the ability to openly voice feelings. However, regret and guilt are often more prevalent with teenagers because Adolescence – and the years it spans – is commonly fraught with parent-teen and sibling-teen conflict; that is part of its essence. Just ask parents with teenagers. So when a family member dies, it is this conflict that fuels teenagers’ regret and guilt. Death has stolen time and time is a necessary ingredient for fixing damages caused by teen-family member conflict. When time is stolen by death, teens cannot fix the ill-will created prior to the death. Guilt follows close behind [See Parent Guilt, Leslie’s Blog].
As I’ve talked about elsewhere [See Parent Counseling], most of us prefer the pain of sadness over guilt, Yes, sadness hurts like hell but guilt brings shame – a far harder emotion to talk about – and shame silences us. Takes away our voice. Teens inability to voice their silent emotions means they can’t bring healing to their mind, body & spirit [See Grief Counseling]. Without this ability, teens lives can be impacted for years to come.
If any of what’s been discussed here describes yourself or your teenager, please…. call.