Teen Counseling

Helping Teens Traverse Through Adolescence:
A Grief Counselor’s Perspective

Adolescence is indeed full of multiple challenges in-&-of-itself and becomes even more complex when divorce enters its domain.  Having raised two teens myself –  which has given me understanding and empathy for both teens AND parents –  I’ve come to realize the usefulness grief work affords when its insights are transferred from managing one’s grief to similarly managing the challenges posed by adolescence and divorce.

One such insight, what I’ve named our emotional road map, is about understanding how the culmination of all of our life experiences – from childhood through adulthood – and the emotional impact these experiences create, are stored away and then drawn upon to direct or guide us – as in a road map – when dealing with a current life experience.  We unwittingly use this ‘map’ when figuring-out how to deal with BIG challenges, like those changes from death or divorce, as well as changes and adjustments of adolescence, like sexual attraction caused by physiological development, increased responsibility and freedoms along with deciding ‘what do I want to do when I grow up?’  Adolescence is a lot of change. [See Adult Counseling, Loss From Life Transitions].  Yes, it  is both overwhelming and exciting, all at the same time!

Experience has taught me that teens can better manage these multiple and often simultaneous changes when they have clarity about their own unique emotional road map and how it’s influencing their responses –  either verbally or behaviorally.  Let’s take the example of  a young child who has repeatedly experienced getting what s/he wants, is rarely ever denied causing the child to feel: ‘I should get what I want.’  If this feeling is rarely challenged by reality, over time it becomes an intrinsic part in the emotional ‘map’ of the developing child.

Later, as a teenager, when peers are getting their driver’s licenses and cars, s/he may feel entitled to their own car despite poor grades in school, breaking curfews or other house rules.  If parents deny this expectation, deciding their teenager is too irresponsible – a behavior not routinely required in the past and therefore not adopted into their child’s road map – real drama is a likely outcome between parents and teen.  Parents are seen as ‘the dumbest people in the world’ and this disrespect by the teen adds more fuel to the family drama.  But as teens get clarity on their own emotional road map, their voice becomes more constructive when talking with their parents – which can go a long way to resolving dramas like this.

This example also demonstrates how teenagers develop ‘an attitude’ – or a ‘tude – when they lack the ability to voice, with clarity instead of hostility, why they feel as they do.  Teenagers rarely ask themselves, ‘what’s causing my feelings?,’ looking behind the present situation to past experiences.  Assumed is that parents are dumb or so mean with their refusal to buy a car, like other parents are doing.  Lacking insight, teens instead substitute their voice for a ‘tude.  Nothing annoys, even angers, parents more than seeing this behavior, sending parents and teens into a too familiar cycle of ugly conflict.  Ah, the joys of Adolescence.

While this hardly describes most parent-teen relationships, such ups-&-downs – for a lot of families –  are part of the daily drama that comprises the landscape of Adolescence.  And when divorce is added to that landscape, the drama is usually magnified tenfold.

One reason for this is the number of losses that are experienced.  Just as with loss from death, divorce similarly changes a two-parent family to a single-parent family, changing a family’s identity in the eyes of themselves and others.  Moreover, two parents are no longer part of the daily fabric of teens’ lives, though these changes are less drastic in divorce than with a death.  But loss from both death or divorce causes domino-like changes to ripple throughout teens’ lives.  Often this results in a loss of emotional equilibrium, or stability, that can push teens into depression as a means of burying their emotions, like anger, guilt and fear for their future.  In turn, teens use drugs or alcohol – or become far more rebellious –  as a way to ‘manage’ their chaotic emotions that they are either too reluctant to voice or are trying hard to ignore [See Adult Counseling, Loss From Death].

One of the biggest pitfalls of Adolescence, in general, is that teenagers often lose their voice.  What sounds like an oxymoron is not. Teens talk by yelling, by sulking, they talk with their defiance.  But I’m not speaking about THAT voice.  The voice I’m talking about comes from teens understanding what’s behind their ’tude.  Teenagers discovering the experiences and feelings that are not being voiced. That are instead being substituted with acting-out behaviors.  [See An Appointed Time for Everything, especially paragraph #5, Leslie’s Blog].  Death or divorce only exacerbate what is a common dynamic of Adolescence.

Teens need a safe place to get clarity on their unique emotional road maps and will  benefit through-out their lives from this clarity.  Therefore consider giving your teen this added benefit and support, along with yourselves, parents.

Call now,  Please.